


Nowhere To Go But Awake

by UmpBumpFizz



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Banter, Dominant Ben Solo, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Eventual Fluff, Eventual Smut, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), Kylo Ren Needs a Hug, Light Dom/sub, POV Rey (Star Wars), Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Shit-talking galore, Submissive Rey (Star Wars), The Force Ships It, the force knows best
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-22
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2019-11-27 15:22:25
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 8,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18195950
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/UmpBumpFizz/pseuds/UmpBumpFizz
Summary: In which the Force has had it up to HERE with these two avoiding the inevitable and does the equivalent of putting two kids in the same t-shirt until they learn to get along.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I've been angling for an idea for a Rey/Ben fic for a while now AND TODAY WAS THE DAY, FOLKS.
> 
> Now I can get this shit out of my system. Smut later maybe (probably. Okay, fine, almost certainly)

It had been a long day for Rey. A long day spent inside and under at least a dozen broken-down pieces of equipment that the Resistance desperately needed up and running. A long day of swearing under her breath when one thing or another refused to cooperate and very loudly with each painful new scrape, cut, and bruise she earned. She had emerged each time triumphant but filthy, bloody, and, after several hours, hungry. 

It was the ravenous hunger that made her finally call it quits. Though their ranks were growing at an encouraging rate, funds were still scarce and so was food; and though she certainly had learned to ignore her hunger in her years on Jakku it wasn't a talent that she liked to exercise these days. Getting into the line before the meager rations ran dry for the day was paramount, especially after a shitty day like today. 

Within an hour she was bandaged, showered, and carrying a belly full of gruel back to her bunk. She hadn't even had time to talk to her friends today. Or yesterday. Tomorrow, then. Tonight, she was exhausted. She was already half-asleep the moment her head hit her thin, lumpy pillow. 

Through the haze of bizarre nonsense the human brain tends to produce in that strange twilight phase between awake and asleep Rey felt a sudden shift in the force, and she opened her eyes to bright daylight and comfortably warm, still air. She was standing underneath a dusky blue sky on a wide open plain, surrounded by nothing but short pink-hued grass dotted with white daisies. Off in the distance was a smudge on the horizon; a forest, by the looks of it. Odd. She turned to look for the Falcon, since she obviously must have flown it here for whatever reason.

What she found instead was _Kylo fucking Ren_. He sat on the ground several feet away, gazing up at her with shock etched into his face.

"Please tell me you're awake right now."

She blinked in confusion. She was standing here fully conscious, wasn't she? "Of course I'm awake."

"What's the last thing you remember doing before this?" 

...Oh. Well, fuck. That would explain the weird pink grass, then. She stared at Kylo, watching his expression become pained before he turned away, dropping his head onto his knees.

She wanted so badly to be angry at him. When she was awake, bitter disappointment and simmering rage was all she felt every time she thought of him, though she tried not to think of him at all. His senseless murder of his own father still haunted her nightmares. She had reached out to him regardless, sensing his pain. She couldn't help it; she knew all too well what that sort of loneliness felt like and she wanted to do for him what she'd always desperately wished someome would do for her. In return he had raised her hopes up out of the dust only to turn on her and dash them to bits. So why, then, couldn't she summon up the rage she needed to scream at him now that he was before her again? Why couldn't she even manage a scrap of anger at being robbed of the opportunity? What _was_ this place, and why were they both here? 

Rey peered down at him, wanting to demand answers of him and utterly failing to get pissed off in the way she needed to in order to do it. "Why do you look so sad?" She mentally kicked herself for even wondering it, much less voicing it. 

He only shrugged, continuing to stare at the ground in front of him. "Can't feel angry here. What else is there?"

So he couldn't be angry at her either, then. What was the force playing at, by bringing them together again this way? That question only got her another disinterested shrug.

"I've come to the conclusion that this is the punishment I've earned for my crimes. I'm beyond the reach of anyone who could make me pay for the things I've done. So now I don't get to sleep anymore. When I do, I just end up here, with nowhere to run from my guilt. It's my own personal hell."

Well, his melodrama had certainly accompanied him into this bizarre dream world. "If this is _your_ personal hell then why did I get dragged along to suffer?" 

"Probably because it's literally the only thing that could have possibly made me feel worse."

Rey blinked in surprise. There was an awful lot to unpack in that statement, and without being able to feel any animosity toward him things were getting more and more awkward every second. Even worse, she could feel herself starting to feel _sympathetic_ toward him again, which was something that she simply wasn't prepared to deal with and certainly couldn't allow because _look what happened last time_. She started to pace, avoiding his gaze even though she was fairly certain he was still staring a hole into the ground. This was weird. It was weird and wrong and she couldn't stand it any longer. 

"Okay, this is just... I _really_ need to be angry at you. Say something mean."

"You're adopted." 

She stopped pacing and turned to face him, hands on hips. "...Okay, I see what you're trying to do there, but really? That's the best you could come up with?"

Another shrug. 

She sighed and resumed pacing, adding this exchange to her mental list of things that she planned to wreck a sparring droid over later, when she was awake and once again had the capacity. Still, she couldn't quite let that one go. "There's nothing wrong with being adopted, you know."

"I'm aware."

"You're not even trying."

He shrugged _again_. If she were awake that in and of itself would have pissed her off beyond all reason, but here she felt nothing except for an ever increasing sense of anxiety. How could he just... Sit there through all this? It suddenly occurred to her that he didn't just seem overwhelmingly depressed, he seemed _resigned_. As if he'd already spent a lot of time here before she showed up. 

"How long has this been happening to you?"

"Every time I fall asleep for days now."

 _Fuck_. This was bad. This was very bad. Rey wanted off this ride. "Well... Why don't we go exploring? Maybe there's a way out."

He gestured airily. "Be my guest. Walk off in any direction you want, you'll just end up back here."

She peered at the forest on the horizon. "What about the trees off in the distance?"

"You'll never reach them."

She gnawed her lip, glancing around once more. "I don't suppose there's any food to be had either?"

"Nope. I suggest not going to bed hungry from now on."

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me."

"Do I look like I'm joking?"

"So, what then? You're just going to sit there and mope for hours until you wake up?"

"No, I thought I'd sit here and make daisy chains," he deadpanned. 

Well, at least they still had sarcasm.

"... I'm going for a walk."

"See you in an hour."


	2. Chapter 2

Rey's curiosity quickly got the better of her as she strode boldly away from where Kylo sat huddled on the ground. First, she reached out with the Force to see what she could feel. Kylo's presence was strong; his deep sadness blared like a beacon behind her as she walked. It was the first time in months that she'd allowed any sort of connection between them to see the light of day. His complete and utter lack of reaction to her consciousness brushing against his unnerved her further; it was as if he hadn't felt her at all, even though she knew he could. Something was certainly very different about him, though it could likely all be chalked up to his inability to access his deep well of anger here. She told herself she didn't care and kept walking. 

Rey recentered her focus toward the forest off in the distance and, somewhat unsurprisingly, found it utterly devoid of life. The trees weren't even real. It appeared that nothing in this world was real save for its two human inhabitants; no matter what direction she cast about in there was absolutely nothing except for Kylo. No animal life, no insect life, no plant life. It was all one big lonely illusion. Then, suddenly Kylo was gone too, neither behind her nor before her the way she expected to eventually find him as she walked around the world. He had winked right out of existence, leaving her alone here. He must have woken up. 

Well, that was just fine by her. Rey was used to being alone, and this place wasn't exactly scary. Eventually she came upon the place where they had both started, just as Kylo had told her she would. She plopped down onto the grass and got comfortable, knowing that she had an alarm set for six hours from when she went to bed. This would be a piece of cake. Rey was good at waiting.

She puzzled over the nature of the predicament she found herself in as she sat. This was clearly the work of the Force, that much was obvious. Was it really just using her to further Kylo's punishment? Was that even what this was, or was he just assuming that the Force was out to get him and working himself into a state over it? That certainly sounded like him. Why would her presence serve to punish him further anyway? It didn't make any sense.

She thought of how completely and utterly despondent he looked when she'd found him here, how resigned he was to his fate. Well, good. He deserved to suffer. He deserved to be forced to sit and ruminate on the things he'd done, with no distractions and no escape. She wondered if perhaps it would break him, if this empty dream prison would get through to him, if it would succeed where she had utterly failed.

Her failure wasn't for lack of trying. She'd shipped herself right into the belly of the beast to bring him home, for fuck's sake. She'd risked her life for him. And granted, he had saved her from their common enemy. But he had done it for his own selfish reasons, not out of concern for her. She was nothing more than an object to him, something to possess. His savage cruelty toward her when she didn't give him what he wanted was proof that he was in this only for himself. 

And what _did_ he want, anyway? She knew that he harbored romantic feelings toward her, or at least that he did at one point. For a little while it was even mutual. The things she saw for them both when they touched hands... It was all she could think about the whole way to the Supremacy, shoved into that tiny escape pod. She had seen what could have been had he not ruined it all. For the first time in her life, she saw something more than a giant question mark when she looked to the future. 

But he _had_ ruined it. He'd fucked it up completely and the vision remained only a distant memory. The question mark loomed over her once again. And now, _now_ she was starting to understand why Kylo was so sad sitting here with nothing to do but think. 

"You're still here, I see."

Rey nearly jumped out of her skin. Kylo dropped to the ground next to her. If she were awake she'd already be at his throat, both for scaring her and for daring to sit so close. As it was, she simply scooted away, turning her back to him.

"Go away."

"There is no 'away' here, Rey."

"I thought you woke up?"

"I had to pee. Now I don't. I went back to bed."

Rey wished she had it in herself to scowl at him, but she didn't. 

Minutes passed, and Rey found herself struggling to block Kylo's emotions. His despair exerted a constant pressure against her mind. She turned back to him and found him curled up on his side in the grass.

"You look pathetic. Get up, there's no sense in just lying there moping."

"Fuck off, Rey."

That stung. She didn't know why, but it did. What had she ever done to deserve the way he treated her? Why did he insist on talking to her like this even now? She couldn't blame it on anger. Did he really have that much contempt for her? She ground her teeth, refusing to let her tears fall. She'd wasted enough tears on him during the many sleepless nights since they'd last seen one another. 

"I don't know what you're crying about. If you're going to sit there and tell me I look pathetic you don't get to get all bent out of shape when I tell you to fuck off."

He was right, of course. She was being just as much of a sulky asshole as he was. She'd be damned if she'd admit it to him, though. For a while, an awkward silence reigned. Rey decided to change the subject, intent on being more civil this time.

"So... How's the reign of terror going?" Okay, that wasn't _entirely_ civil, but she couldn't think of a way to phrase it that didn't come off as bitchy and couldn't think of anything else to ask him. Fortunately, he didn't seem to take that one personally.

"I fucking hate it, thanks for asking."

That caught her off guard. "What do you mean, you hate it? You're the most powerful man in the galaxy, isn't that what you wanted?"

He was still on the ground, facing away from her. "Forget it. I don't want to talk about my role as Supreme Leader."

"Fine. What do you want to talk about?"

"Nothing. There's nothing for us to discuss at this point, Rey. We've both made our choices."

Rey got up and started walking again, hoping that by the time she came back around that she'd be done crying.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content warming for a brief mention of systematic forced childbearing. Hux really is a cunt.

_Rey, come back._

She tried to shut the connection down, but found she couldn't close it all the way no matter how hard she tried.

_Rey, please... Just come back. We can talk. Just... stop crying and come back._

Rey stopped walking, but she refused to go crawling back to him. She dropped to her ass on the ground and hugged her knees to her chest. She was just so _tired_ of everything. The war, the drama, the emotions, the endless struggle to survive. She wished she'd been born in another galaxy somewhere, or never born at all. She continued to sob even as she heard Kylo's footsteps behind her.

"I just want this all to end! I'm tired of fighting, I'm tired of losing everyone I love, I'm tired of having to make shitty choices, and I'm tired of the fucking Force. How do I get rid of it? Tell me, Kylo, how can I be rid of it? I just want to be a normal person who gets to do normal person things."

He sat down beside her. "That isn't how it works, Rey. People like us aren't normal. There's no getting rid of the Force."

"Yes there _is_! Your uncle cut himself off from it. He lived in peace for years. How did he do it?" She swore to herself that the second she woke she'd haul ass straight to where she'd stashed those Jedi texts on the Falcon and read every bit of text that was in a language she recognized. Which, from what she remembered, wasn't much. There was a reason she hadn't spent much time with them yet. 

"I don't know how he did it, Rey. But I do know that he only could because the Force allowed him to. Probably because Snoke would have found him had he stayed connected. Cutting yourself off is not the answer."

"Then what is? What is the point of any of this?"

"Fucked if I know. Why do you think I'm so fucking depressed?"

"Because you made the wrong choice! How can you not see that?"

"Oh, yes, because you're definitely not sitting here just the same as me trying to escape the very thing that weaves the fabric of the universe together despite the choice you made. But no, you're right. Your choice was definitely the right one."

Rey didn't know what to say to that. She could only stare back at him. He gazed at her a moment before sighing and dropping his head onto his knees as well, mirroring her own posture. She wiped her eyes, ruminating for a moment on all that had transpired. 

"Maybe we both fucked up, Kylo."

"Maybe we both _are_ fucked up."

"With our backgrounds? I don't think there's any denying that. But seriously... What if we've missed something?"

"I miss being able to get a good night's sleep."

"Stop deflecting. I'm serious. Maybe there was a third option."

"You mean like if you had stopped for a few seconds to talk things out instead of immediately snatching Luke's saber and running?"

"Or if you had taken two seconds to order the attacks to stop so I felt like I had time to do that before all my friends ended up dead?"

Kylo's mouth opened as if he were about to retort, but after a second he simply closed it, looking lost. 

"You don't understand."

"Neither do you. When you stood there and calmly told me to 'let it all die'? That 'it' you were talking about were my friends. My _only_ friends. The _only_ people in the galaxy who ever gave a damn about me. Do you have any idea how that felt, when you forced me to choose between them and you? There was no winning for me in that situation. I'm tired of watching everyone I come to love die at your hands, Kylo Ren." She paused to look at him. "You could have been one of them, you know. You could have been one of the people I loved." 

His face contorted with emotion, and he buried his face in his hands. 

"I'm sorry," he said, barely above a whisper. She narrowed her eyes at him in disbelief, shaking her head even as she could feel the dull ache of his remorse thudding deep within her own chest. 

"No, don't shake your head at me. You know I mean it. There aren't any lies between us, not anymore. You know I'm telling you the truth. I fucked up, and I'm sorry, alright?"

For a moment Rey was silent, at a loss for how to respond. Should she tell him she forgave him? Well, no, because she didn't forgive him. And as he had just pointed out, any lie she tried to tell him would be immediately seen through anyhow. 

"I just... I just wish I knew what you were hoping for. I can't comprehend how you could possibly have thought that I would join you in this folly you're so dead set on pursuing. How did you _think_ it was going to end?"

He stared at the ground, ripping handfuls of grass as he spoke. "I don't know. I didn't think it through. Rey, I knew I was going to kill Snoke the moment I recovered from the shock of our hand touch. But I didn't decide to do it right then until I led you out of that elevator feeling things I'd never felt before in my life. His fucking _gloating_ about manipulating us both was the last straw; that's what gave me the clarity and resolve I needed in order to deceive him. I didn't have time to plan some grand romantic gesture. I'd have made a fool of myself even if I had, you think I'm any good at that shit?"

"No, best not even try, then. It might have come out as something along the lines of 'Your parents are dead and never loved you, also you're nothing, but not to me.'" 

He buried his face in his hands again with a groan. "Yeah, that was... Fuck, no wonder you took off. I'm so goddamn stupid."

Holy shit, were they actually getting somewhere? Did she dare hope? She listened intently as he continued. 

"I can tell you what I _didn't_ want, though. I didn't want to do this alone. I _knew_ I couldn't rule alone. I'm not 'Supreme Leader' material, Rey. Not any more than you're 'Grand Empress' material. But I thought that together... Fuck, maybe we'd be able to figure it out, I don't know."

Rey bit her lip. She didn't regret choosing the Resistance and she never would, but the sudden realization of how he must have felt upon waking up and realizing he was on his own made her feel sick to her stomach. 

"Look, Ben..." She paused, feeling his glimmer of relief at the sound of his real name on her lips. "I'm not going to apologize for leaving. Leaving was the right choice. But I realize now how frightened and hurt you must have been, how betrayed you must have felt, and I'm sorry you had to endure it. I promise I didn't want that for you. I just knew I had to save my friends. So, I decided to let the Force sort you out. I fix things, Ben. Not people."

They sat lost in their own thoughts for a bit, until Rey noticed how much her butt was hurting from sitting on the ground for so long. She stood, turning back to face the way they'd come, and froze.

"Ben!" She reached her foot over and kicked him lightly, not taking her eyes off the sight before her for even a second. A tree had materialized on the featureless terrain; a tree and a smattering of large, flat, sun-warmed rocks.

He was beside her in a flash. "The fuck? Where did those come from?"

"I don't know. Lets go look."

The tree was real enough, it seemed; she could feel it in the Force, pulsing with life. And the rocks, to their delight, concealed a small spring. The water bubbled up from between them, clear and ice-cold and quite possibly the most refreshing thing either of them had ever tasted. Ben climbed up to the top of the highest rock once they had taken their fill, peering over the edge as Rey began to climb the tree. Before long, she was swinging down from a branch to land beside him, a wide grin gracing her face.

"Well, this place sucks marginally less now," he conceded.

She sat down next to him. "This was never here before, right? Like, before I came?"

He shrugged. "Nope. Everything about this place continues to make no sense."

Rey didn't care if it made sense or not; she was just happy for a change in scenery, however insignificant. Both their moods had instantly improved, it seemed, and the tension between them had largely diffused. She peered at him, watching the way the strange sunlight played on his skin, remembering how gorgeous she had once found him now that she could stand to look at him again. Her old urge to reach out and try to understand him rose to the surface, same as it had when she had demanded to know why he hated his father only to discover him half-naked before her. She brushed that particular memory away before he could sense her dwelling on it.

"There's something I don't understand, Ben. You said you hate being Supreme Leader, that you never wanted it in the first place if... well... If you had to do it alone." She scooted closer to him, her face earnest. "So why stay? Why don't you just leave it all in the hands of that... that... pompous, peacocking ginger _cunt_ and..." His sharp bark of laughter at her foul language cut her off, and she stared at him. "Well, look at that. You _are_ capable of laughing."

He snorted, still smiling. "Please. I try to have at least one cheap laugh at that asshole's expense each day. _I hate him so much_."

That got Rey laughing, and soon she was overwhelmed with giggles. This, at least, was one thing the entire Resistance could agree with him on. _Everyone_ hated Hux. 

He waited for her to recover somewhat before answering. "You wanna know why I haven't just walked away and let it burn?"

She turned to him, wiping tears of mirth from her eyes. "I really do."

He took a breath. "Do you know who spearheaded the Starkiller project? Hux. I had nothing to do with it, Snoke had me off securing military and supply contracts and trying to find leads on Luke. I thought the use of that weapon was a pointless waste of life and a surefire way to spark more rebellion, only this time driving it even further underground. I was ignored, obviously. Hux was desperate to unleash its power. Rey, he's a maniac. The stormtrooper program? His project. He's gone beyond kidnapping children or buying them off destitute parents. He was running a goddamn breeding program to produce more kids to brainwash. He just used artificial wombs at first. Then he realized how the threat of forced impregnation could be used to keep female soldiers in line. He had to have put a hundred women through that shit, violating them in the worst way and then ripping their newborns from their arms before I came to power and put a stop to it. Snoke always kept his most destructive impulses well in check, but Snoke's gone. Someone has to control him, or he'll tear the galaxy to shreds. If I walk, he's in charge."

No more laughter. Rey was horrified. "Then why not just fucking kill him and be done with it?" She ignored the ghost of a smirk that crept across his face, knowing that it was the result of her very _dark-side_ suggestion. Frankly, she didn't give a fuck what side of the Force the act of killing Hux landed on. She just knew she wanted him dead and that she wouldn't mind doing it herself. 

"Do you know what a dead man's switch is?" She shook her head, and he began to explain. "Imagine there's a bomb, and you have your finger on a button. As long as your finger is on that button, the bomb doesn't detonate. But if someone kills you or causes you to take your finger off it in any way..."

"The bomb goes off. So the threat of it keeps you safe."

"Exactly. Hux is a cunning, conniving little weasel. I guarantee he's got a dozen of them ready to trigger the second he's out of commission. Not necessarily bombs, even. It could be the release of damaging information, a script that causes mayhem in our computer systems, hidden funds set up to transfer directly to our enemies to give them an edge. I can't kill him until I ferret out all of his bullshit. And if I thought the First Order would be the only thing destroyed I'd have gutted him already and walked out with both middle fingers high in the air, but no. That's not how Hux operates. Innocent lives are always at stake. Human shields are the best shields to someone like him."

Rey's stomach churned. She hadn't realized how stupidly, overwhelmingly complicated this entire situation was. She hadn't realized that Ben had been miserable with his newfound power, rather than reveling in it. She hadn't realized that he had been trying to stop the First Order from steamrolling over everything in the galaxy, rather than encouraging it. She hadn't realized that he was still capable of laughter, or happiness, or any kind of warmth at all. Not until now. 

Not until this ridiculous shared dream.

She could still feel his deep loneliness. It was always there, lurking under the surface, ready to pull him under. This she understood perfectly, because in this regard they were perfectly alike. Starved for love, starved for conversation, starved for touch. It never went away, because only another person could soothe it away. And once again, Rey found herself longing to ease his pain, and by doing so perhaps ease her own. She leaned against his shoulder, not pulling away even as he stiffened, alarm bells going off in his head. She widened their connection and could feel his doubt, his conviction that there must be some mistake, the notion that he must be dreaming followed immediately by the realization that _duh, dummy, you are dreaming... But so is she._

She was in no way prepared for the bewildering cacophony of emotions that exploded inside him when she laid her head on his shoulder. Stark naked terror came first, then suspicion, confusion, another round of denial, a sudden urge to cry at how overwhelming it all was, and finally... Hope. Her eyes squeezed shut as warmth bloomed first in her chest, then in his. The only move he made was to turn his head slightly so that his cheek brushed against her hair.

And there they sat, hardly noticing the gentle breeze that kicked up, the crickets that could suddenly be heard chirruping in the surrounding grass, or the birds flitting between the branches over their heads.


	4. Chapter 4

Rey eventually did notice the crickets and birds. She had just lifted her head from Ben's shoulder and opened her mouth to point them out to him when he disappeared. That had barely registered before she found herself back in her bunk, staring at the cold metal wall. They had both woken up. Her capacity for irritation restored, she swore viciously under her breath at the Force for cutting short her very first head-on-shoulder-of-somebody-you're-developing-a-thing-for experience. Because apparently that was happening now. The realization hit her like a bucket of cold water over the head.

She had just spent most of the night fraternizing with the enemy. This was no dream, this was reality, and the reality of the situation was that they were still on opposite sides of a war, and she could no longer block their connection. Even now she could feel his own irritation flaring, then turning to anxiety as he apparently went through the exact mental process she just had.

_... Rey?_

She didn't answer, but her jolt of panic and frantic attempt to close the connection told him everything he needed to know. They couldn't deceive one another, couldn't hide anything from one another, and could no longer block the effects of their powerful bond. 

Both of them had just become their own side's biggest liability. Fuck.

_Ben, we need to agree to a truce. Right now, before anything happens, we need to take a step back until we figure out what's going on with this Force bond._

_Agreed. This is bigger than the war. Let's meet up in a neutral location to talk. Suggestions?_

_Ach-to._

_... Really?_

_That's about as neutral as it gets, isn't it?_

_Is it?_ Rey didn't respond. 

She felt his exasperation rise and then settle into weary acceptance, with a nearly undetectable undercurrent of _whatever I have to do to see you again._

_... Fine._

Rey was out of her bunk and heading for the Falcon in the blink of an eye. She fought to keep her mind clear of all thoughts except making it to the ship, lest he somehow pick up any details that might reveal the Resistance's location. She might have felt guilty, considering all that had transpired between them over the last few hours, could she not feel him mirroring her wariness and distrust. Even so, she couldn't hide the glimmer of anticipation she felt thinking of what may lie ahead for them both, nor could he hide the storm of emotions that hit him once he picked up on it. 

Chewbacca, at least, could be relied on to take her at her word and trust her enough to do what she asked of him. He was a bit cantankerous about being woken up in the wee hours and certainly had nothing good to say about Ben when she frantically explained her reason for leaving in a hurry, but quickly agreed to stay behind to explain to Leia why she'd taken off, knowing that she'd believe him and jump into action to find a new base before the one Rey knew about slipped right out of her head and into the Supreme Leader's. Rey could rendezvous with them at the new location later, after she and Ben had figured out what the hell was going on, both with the Force and with what was growing between them. 

_Did you notice the birds?_

His voice in her head made her startle, so focused was she on getting the Falcon out of the atmosphere and into hyperspace.

_Yes, actually, I was just about to comment on them when we both woke up._

_There were crickets too._

_Why would the dream world suddenly start getting so elaborate and full of life?_

She felt his mental shrug. _Fucked if I know._

Rey gnawed at her lip. She did have the old Jedi texts hidden away on the ship. Perhaps they held some sort of clue.

_Wait, what? Where did you get Jedi texts?_

_Nevermind where I got them, it doesn't matter. I can't read them. C-3PO..._

_Ugh._

She stifled a laugh. _...was helping me translate them, but we never made it far before things got hectic. I'll dig them out and have another go at them. Are you on your way?_

_I will be once I give my officers a cover story and orders to carry out during my absence. I can't just up and leave without making sure Hux is kept busy. Don't worry,_ he said, waving away her sudden uneasiness. _I mean, I certainly can't order a cease fire without raising some serious questions but you know I won't reveal our bond. Honestly, Rey, the Resistance is the least of my concerns right now._

_Right. I'll go get started on the texts, then._

It did not take long for Rey to get frustrated. She and C-3PO had already scoured every book for any scraps that could be easily translated, and she had made notes on the topics contained within those passages so that she could study them more in-depth later. Well, later was now, and Rey was finding absolutely nothing on the subject of Force bonds, and had resorted to attempting to translate another passage on her own. After two hours, her head was pounding, her belly rumbling, and her eyelids drooping. The combination proved to be too much, and she suddenly stood and kicked the wall.

"Fucking Jedi bullshit!"

Huffing angrily, she turned around only to see Ben sitting at the dejarik table, fork in hand, staring at her with it raised halfway to his open mouth. He raised an eyebrow at her, tracking her as she paced across the floor next to where the text lay. "Make any progress?"

She narrowed her eyes at him. "What happened to that obnoxious whoosh sound followed by complete silence that used to warn me when this was about to happen?"

"Nice to see you too." The fork had disappeared from his hand, replaced by a bottle of liquid with a brightly colored label. He took a pull from the bottle and replaced the cap, then set it on the table next to what she assumed was the invisible plate he'd been eating from. Rey's head hurt too badly for her to try to wrap it around the details of what the bond did and didn't reveal about what they were doing. She sullenly slumped into the booth across from him. 

"I really must insist that for both our sakes you take something for that headache."

"I really must insist that you... Ugh, just shut up."

"Nice comeback."

"Fuck off."

"No, really, you're doing great. Keep going."

She kicked his shin. He barely flinched. 

"You're very grumpy."

"I'm going to wallop you over the head with that fucking book."

He grinned, and she knew then that he was enjoying this. And, despite feeling like utter crap physically, so was she. Wait, were they flirting? Was this how normal people flirt? She suspected not, and suddenly felt very self-conscious.

He must have picked up on it, because his expression changed; the insufferable shit-eating grin being replaced by a look of concern. "You really should take something. And eat. You're hungry."

He was gone before she could reply. _Fuck the Jedi texts,_ she thought as she went to raid the ship's supplies, figuring it might bait him into further interaction. It didn't, and her mood didn't improve much even after she had downed some painkillers and eaten a self-heating meal.

_Go to sleep, grumpy._

_You can't see me flipping you off, but rest assured, I am._

_Rey, I'm serious. Go lie down._ His voice had taken on a sterner tone that sent a pleasurable shiver down her spine, which she promptly ignored because she really couldn't process _that_ right now and she certainly didn't want him to pick up on it. She made a pit stop at the refresher, but she was soon in the captain's quarters changing into something more comfortable for sleep. She wondered, as she collapsed into bed, if he would soon join her in the dream world.

The next thing she knew, everything was pink grass and sunshine and warm rocks and birdsong. And there was Ben, waiting for her, just as she'd hoped.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to every single person who has bookmarked, left kudos, commented, or provided me with any feedback of any sort. Things are heating up for these space doofs.

Rey opened her mouth to comment on how quickly Ben had fallen asleep only to hear his response from above her head before she could get the words out.

"I was exhausted. This is stressful."

She climbed the nearest rock, hopped over the gaps between the next few, and then clambered up alongside Ben atop the tallest stone in the outcropping, ducking her head beneath a low-hanging branch. 

"Has anything else changed?"

"Doesn't look like it. Spring is still flowing down below, birds still in the tree, crickets off in the grass."

Rey reached out with the Force, feeling around for any new signs of life. No, nothing had changed at all. She plopped down next to Ben.

"Pity. I'd hoped there might be some food."

"Might be some meat on those birds."

She gave him a wry look, and he met her gaze with a smirk. Apparently this was just... how it was, now. Apparently now they joked together. Apparently now they enjoyed one another's company. She glanced up into the branches of the tree, struck by a feeling of melancholy. Is this what normal people got to experience in real life? An unexpected connection with someone suddenly blossoming into something more while sitting together under a pretty tree? She imagined most people probably planned this sort of thing out; maybe they'd bring food and a blanket to stretch out on and lay talking late into the night, watching as the stars came alive one by one. 

"Until one of them ends up with bird shit in their hair."

She wanted to laugh, but her mind continued down its track. Getting shat upon by a bird during a romantic evening was the exact sort of hilarious story a normal couple would grow old and look back upon with fondness; the sort of anecdote they'd relate to their grandchildren to amuse them. Probably while baking tasty things to eat in a charming little country kitchen. She wondered if she'd even live to have children, much less grandchildren. Probably not.

"Rey..."

Ben had leaned into her, nudging her shoulder and momentarily knocking her out of her downward spiral. 

"You're upsetting yourself."

"I can't help it... this place is just..."

"It fucks with you, I know."

She didn't respond, promptly continuing her train of thought. Fuck this stupid war. Fuck her asshole parents. Fuck Jakku, fuck the galaxy, fuck everything. Tears of frustration welled up and threatened to spill over.

"You know what I wish, Ben?"

He could feel the outline of it there in his own mind, but he urged her to speak regardless, wanting the details. "Tell me."

"I wish you and I had been born to normal, boring families on a normal, boring planet in the most boring galaxy in existence. I wish we'd grown up right next door to one another. I wish we'd spent our childhoods having silly childhood adventures together, and silly childhood fights."

"I'd have kicked your ass."

She couldn't help but smile at that. "Shut up. You wouldn't have."

"No, I suppose our normal, boring parents would have stopped us and directed us toward less exciting antics."

"Exactly."

"And we would have grown up to live the most mundane existence imaginable."

She sighed dreamily. "Doesn't that sound amazing?"

He leaned into her again, just enough that she could feel it. " _Fuck yeah_ , it does."

Rey scooted closer to him, suddenly craving the contact and helpless to resist the urge. She felt his fear spike as he realized he had no idea how to respond or what she wanted him to do. So she projected an image of exactly what she wanted. He gulped as he lay back on the rock, propping himself up on his elbows to allow her to arrange herself comfortably with her body alongside his and her head in the crook of his shoulder. What started as a tentative, awkward jumble of limbs ended with them both giving into the desperate need for physical contact and wrapping their arms around one another, falling back onto the sun-warmed rock. Ben rolled to his back, pulling Rey halfway on top of him, and she settled comfortably across his chest with one leg thrown across him. 

He spoke up first, voicing what both of them were thinking.

"The wedding would definitely have been boring too."

Rey snorted. "Oh, absolutely. We'd have had to wake the guests after, no doubt."

"Dinner would certainly have been a dull affair."

"And the dancing after."

Now it was Ben's turn to snort. "You attempting to dance would likely be the highlight of the evening."

She didn't take his bait. "Still boring as shit though."

"I bet your dress would have been beige."

That one got her. She laughed into Ben's chest, feeling his heart leap within it as he tightened his arm around her and brushed his lips against the top of her hair. 

"At least we have this now," he said. "Maybe this is as good as it'll get, but at least we have it." It was a remarkable shift in attitude for one who had spent most of his life full of bitterness and rage at just how _unfair_ everything was, how little control he had over his life and choices. 

He'd had plenty of control and plenty of choices to make for himself since coming to power, though. Though he was terrified at the prospect of ruling and didn't give two shits about exercising unnecessary control over anyone else, he was thrilled at the little things he got to have now. New quarters? Upgraded starfighter? A less-ridiculous throne and throne room? Done, done, and done. He gave the orders and it was done and he had to grovel to no one. And his personal life had become fully personal. He finally lost his virginity and had in fact taken a string of women to bed, one or two of them virgins themselves until he got done with them. If he wanted to entertain lewd fantasies and jerk off before bed, he did it. Indeed, he did it often, now that he had no one in his head to... Wait. _Fuck._

It was too late. Rey still had her face buried in his chest, but he knew she had seen the direction his thoughts had taken. Surprise had rippled through from her end of the bond, and he was _mortified_ for the split second it took him to realize that she wasn't judging him; that her surprise was at the fact that he hadn't become experienced until recently, rather than that he was at all. He could feel her indignation, but could tell it was aimed at Snoke for imposing such restrictions rather than him for having a sex life, and when guilt settled in for invading his privacy just as Snoke had, he gave her a little squeeze.

"Don't. You didn't ask for this. I know you're not doing it on purpose. Besides... I can't really stay out of your head either."

Her thoughts immediately turned to her own sexual experience before she could stop them, in the same way you'd think of pink elephants the second someone told you not to. Ben nearly choked as he learned that she, in fact, wasn't experienced at all, save for the brief flashes he got of her hand sliding between her legs before she could bury them. She immediately huffed in embarrassment, her shoulders hiking up to her ears as they reddened. 

Neither of them knew what to do, and the more they tried to turn their thoughts away from sex the more they both failed. Eventually they both had to tentatively admit, even if they couldn't bring themselves to say it out loud, that each of them had thought about doing it with the other. That each of them had touched themselves thinking of the other, although Rey certainly hadn't in quite some time owing to her furious anger at him and he had felt guilty every time he'd done it, knowing how she felt.

Remembering their earlier conversation, a thought sprang to Rey's mind. 

"What do you think our wedding night would have been like?" she ventured. It was muffled by her face (which she refused to unbury from his chest), but he could still hear her thoughts loud and clear.

"If you're suggesting it would have been an unremarkable, lights-off, two-minutes-then-we-roll-over-and-go-to-sleep kind of thing... you'd be wrong."

"I suggested nothing of the sort. You dont seem the type."

He couldn't help but smirk, relaxing a bit. "What do you think it would have been like?" 

A light shrug. "I don't know. I think I'd have been scared. Probably relieved that at least one of us knew what they were doing."

Immediately a flood of images raced through his head. Hugging Rey close beside the bed, feeling her trembling and trying to comfort her while keeping his own frayed nerves in check. Undoing the buttons on her (beige) gown. Pinning one slender wrist to the bed as he trailed his hand down her bare belly. Gently shushing and reassuring her as he positioned her, ready to take her.

By the time he got to the part where he slid inside he wasn't sure who's intense arousal he was feeling, no longer able to separate them within his head. Rey had dug her fingers into his shirt and her breath had quickened, and he was already impossibly hard, straining against the fabric of his pants. He shifted uncomfortably, and she pulled away and sat up. The two locked in a stare.

Rey blinked once, drawing in a shaky breath, momentarily warring with herself before throwing caution to the wind. "You know what? _Fuck it._ "

Within seconds their lips crashed together. Flower buds suddenly appeared in the branches overhead, burst open, and released their sweet fragrance. Bees buzzed back and forth, gathering their nectar and disappearing with it into a cavity within the tree. The pair noticed none of it, so lost in their bliss were they, until a juicy piece of ripe fruit fell to the rock next to where Ben had rolled Rey onto her back, reveling in the way she yielded to him. They broke the kiss, and Rey was about to reach for the fruit, images of them sharing it between kisses and tasting it upon one another's lips dancing in her head...

...when she found herself back in the bed on the Falcon. She stared up at the ceiling as realization set in.

"You have _got_ to be fucking kidding me."


End file.
